The healing roller coaster

Yesterday was raw, emotional and insightful 

I ran into my college that I haven't spoken to or seen since she walked home from work in September. I felt naked, shaken, but also happy to see her. How she felt I can't even imagine, but I think we both had many demons fighting during those minutes. 

Afterwards I got over productive and got things done I have been supposed to do for a long long time. My brain was running thoughts going everywhere and all my friends were at work so I couldn't talk it off until my brain had run through everything. 

During my yoga and meditation in the afternoon I had so many new insights about myself. There was struggles but mainly acceptance. Clarity!

At the gym in the evening I was stronger than I have been in a long long time. My brain was empty and it was just me, the movements and the tabata bell. 

Afterwards there was physical pain, but good pain, pain telling me I had used my body in a good way. 

Yesterday there was so many steps taken on my road of healing. I know I have to let it take its time but now I also know what I need to work with.

Myself!!

March 17th

7 years ago I sat in a waiting room at the hospital unsure of what the future would hold for me. My dad was in surgery, my best friend took a day of work to keep me company and I was in uni following my dream, I had met what I thought was the love of my life.

1 year ago I sat in a lecture hall listening to my friends disputation. I spoke to my dad earlier in the day, spoke to my new love of my life and everything was going smoothly.

Today I sit at home healing. I spoke to my friend and family this week. I'm trying to heal my heart after the love of my life left me in December, I'm also trying to heal my brain and body after I ran into the famous wall in December. 

I have learned that life is more rough than smooth and that in bad times you need to find the good bits, even if it's just a bar of chocolate right then. 

I think the tears have run out.

I know why

I know how

But I still don't understand.

I don't feel like we are finished,

I feel like you never gave US a chance.

I fought for you when things were impossible 

I carried your burden when you wanted to give up

I stood by smiled on the outside and screamed on the inside.

I was there for you ALWAYS.

But you

Gave you

You took my support for granted

You took everything

At the same time 

You were my rock

My oxygen

My lifeline 

And then you let go

I thought I was strong enough to fight 

To continue to fight 

To always say "I'll fix it"

That was me

Miss fix it!

Now I'm lost without you.

Some days I miss you and the pain is unreal.

Other days I'm strong and living.

But I still don't get it 

What happened?!

I thought I had found HIM <3

I do it for ME

I choose my old yoga mat and I didn't know why. 

I decided to do yoga for 30 days.

I lit a candle in my lantern to lead.

I stood on the mat and couldn't feel my left foot.

I stood there broken, damaged, lost.

For 30 days.

After 30 days I was still broken, lost and damaged.

I did this for ME.

30 days on the yoga mat for me.

The 30 days ended, but I continued.

Everyday I stood on my yoga mat for ME.

After 40 days I started to cry on the mat.

Tears of relief, pain and lost.

I crumbled but the yoga mat supported me.

My old yoga mat is now full with tears, pain, loss and sorrow.

But I know why I choose you "old faithful"

One day we will come to an end and you will leave. 

When you leave you will take the tears, pain, loss, damage and sorrow with you.

I need you to heal.

To move on.

To stand strong.

I stand on the yoga mat every day for ME.

ME the one that I lost.

ME that I need to find.

ME that need to heal.

ME that need to let go.

ME!

The time on the mat I give ME!

To be strong

To be free

To feel

To live 

Right now to breathe.

Breathe in

Breathe out.

It doesn't happen

I went to sleep a Friday night and wake up  in the morning all innocent. Check my phone and there are flashes about the attacks in Paris.

I have friends in Paris. They have checked themselves safe on Facebook.

.......

I stand in class and check my work email. The latest read:

Xx with family is safe! Safe from what?!

Check the news and read about the bombings in Brussels. 

.....

Yesterday I read: I'm safe

Then I listen on the radio. 

She was safe, but in the middle of it. My best friend!

It's getting real!

We all new on day, but not today.

Yesterday was today!

Two of my closest friends were close. One in the middle, the other to close to comfort!

What we can do is open our hearts and pray for peace and love.

Hate won't solve it, but openness and acceptance will in the long run.

The world is dark, but only we can bring the light with love.

Anticipation

Its all new its all nerves and its all the game.

Just sent the text asking what is happening this weekend.

Hoping for a certain reply, but right now its the waiting.

The Dating game I'm all in, but do I want more than just dating with this one?

Dilemma

Some people struggle of how to get ends to meet. 

I struggle with being able to have a voice in certain aspects of my life. At the moment I'm pushed into a corner and either choice will not be the optimal one for all people involved. It affects me negatively mentally either choice I make, the question is how to get out of this mess that was caused for me by another person?